Talking to Heaven
by Saoirse agus amach
Summary: Sam and Dean have individual talks with Castiel to clear up some things bothering them. Castiel learns a little about himself in the process, and realizes the only way to save Dean.
1. Sam

Disclaimer: Supernatural, the Winchesters, and Castiel all belong to the CW and Mr. Kripke. NO money was made on this and I do not intend to make money on this. The poem, "Footprints" was made by an anonymous author, but I don't mean to tred on that person's toes either and do not own the poem.

_This is two one-shots that are conversations between Castiel and Dean and Castiel and Sam. This WILL BE a pretty religious piece, sorry if that offends you. I really just wanted to see Castiel talking faith with people and the boys seemed the logical targets, let me know if you like this and want me to continue with other people. They do not take place in any certain time frame. The Sam/Castiel will be more theological and intellectual than the Dean/Castiel talk. _

_**Because You Could Handle It**__**: Sam and Castiel**_

Someone had once described Sam as a "take a walk kind of a guy", and that person had nailed it spot on. Sam enjoyed walking as often as he could, mainly because of the amount of time spent in the car. Walking was a way for Sam to have a little peace and quiet and not have Dean asking him what he was thinking about. Currently, Sam was walking along a lakeside beach and brooding over the newest addition to his and his brother's life. He was, of course, grateful to Castiel for saving Dean, but the angels had been…disappointing. Sam had expected something more benevolent, merciful, less warlike and more like the pictures you saw in churches.

A person ahead of Sam had stopped to examine sea shells and Sam meant to change course to avoid that person, until he realized who it was. "That's not quite your normal entrance, Castiel." Sam said as he approached the still crouched figure. Castiel stood up, "I did it for you, Samuel, you are not as used to my intrusions as your brother." Sam only nodded and kept walking, this time with the angel by his side. "What are you doing Samuel?" Castiel questioned after a couple of silent minutes. "Wandering around, I guess. I normally like the quiet of walks." Sam raised an eyebrow for emphasis on the second part. "Ah yes, wandering and wondering, an interesting human trait. My father did much of that while he was human." Sam wasn't sure how to respond. Castiel was being congenial, conversational, not at all his normal self; he decided to take advantage of it to get some things cleared up. "I thought it was the Son who was human? Wasn't that the point?"

"The Father is in the Son and the Son in the Father, Sam. No one can come to the Father except through the Son." Castiel spouted the scripture from his mouth as if it were as plain as day. "But that's not the doctrine that bothers you is it? You understand Grace more than Dean does, and basic theology is practically a second language to you. What you have issues with is fear, your attitude towards my brothers and I shows that." Castiel and Sam had at this point made nearly around the small lake. "Let's take a break, Sam."

Castiel sat down on the sand with his heels in front of him and elbows on his bent knees. Sam wanted to laugh at the site of the normally austere angel sitting in sand. Instead, curiosity got the better of him and Sam sat next to Castiel. It was time to talk. "What I don't get is this. God is supposedly love, right? He created humans in his image and wants us to 'be fruitful and multiply'? So how come his messengers, his angels are so harsh. Shouldn't they be just as good as him? Shouldn't they have compassion and want to see us succeed? And why the hell did this God of love ruin my family? Why does my brother wake up screaming from the hell he supposedly doesn't remember?! Why do I feel like at any moment some part of me is going to burst and no one-not even Dean-will be able to control me!?" By this time Sam had worked himself into a frenzy. His face was red and tears were starting to stream down his face. "Why does this God, your "father" Castiel! Why does he hate my family so damn much?! What did we do that was so horribly wrong that we deserve all this? We sacrifice ourselves to protect the innocent and kill evil and the result is we get completely screwed over!!! God, no wonder Dean has never believed, he saw firsthand what God did to our family!"

Castiel had watched the breakdown with nothing more than mild interest etched on his face, although his eyes showed complete anguish for the young man spilling everything to him. He laid a hand on Sam's shoulder. "Peace Samuel peace. Angels are not given omnipotence, but we are wise and I may be able to calm some of your fears." Sam had relaxed a bit at the warming sensation Castiel sent through him when he touched his shoulder. He regained his normal breathing pattern and nodded as a sign that it was okay for Castiel to continue. "First of all, God IS Love, he is not THE God OF Love. All good and perfect things come from God. God created love but He is not Aphrodite, Eros, or Venus. My Father is the God of all things. Everything you see, hear, touch, smell, feel, and the vast things that no sense can touch, was created by God. God is fierce and ancient, older than time, he is Alpha and Omega. And you humans were created to fellowship with him. In the Garden, Adam and Eve had pure, unabashed fellowship with our Lord. No human can feel entirely complete unless they make the effort to regain that fellowship. Second, we angels are far more than messengers. Gabriel, the most known angel to you humans, was a messenger. But that is only one of our duties. Consider Hagar and her son in the desert, angels were dispatched to save them from the harsh environment. An angel was sent to lead the Israelites to ensure they made their way to their new home, and God warned them no to rebel against him. Then, that night in Bethlehem we were there to announce and to praise. We were a sign of hope to those lowly men on the hilltop who had waited so long for a savior." Sam was beginning to feel like he was listening to the best preacher of all time. But was still frustrated, upset, and generally pissed off. "But what about us?" Sam said through clenched teeth. "Why us? Why my mother, why Dean?" Castiel could see his approach was not working. "Sam." It was the first time Castiel had used his shortened name and it made Sam look up. "Look at your footprints in the sand. Imagine each one represents a hardship in your life. Now see how they are washed away so quickly with the tide? Quartz is one of the toughest rocks. After years a large quartzite structure will be corroded and weathered to breakdown and form small granules of quartz that form sandy beaches. Your family is quartz, you can handle all the corrosion and weathering and still be strong just changed a little bit. And I promise you, just like those footprints, God WILL wash away all the problems in the end. Until then we are here to help, God has never abandoned you Samuel Winchester. I beg of you, do not abandon Him. Your goal is greater than your struggle. You can handle this Sam, it wouldn't be your task if you couldn't." Sam sat in pensive silence and Castiel was gone when he looked up to respond.

"Jesus, Sammy. I was about to send out a search party." Dean said as a way of welcoming his brother back into the dingy motel room. "Sorry Dean, I, uh, had a lot to mull over." Dean knew something was up. This was more than the usual Sam-angst. "You weren't practicing, the, you know." Dean raised his hand in a gesture that resembled Sam pulling out a demon. "No, Dean. I'm finished with that for good. It's not natural. I shouldn't be able to do that." _That was too easy_ Dean thought to himself. "Whatever, I'm hitting the hay. Long day tomorrow." Dean and Sam laid down on their beds but neither slept. After a few minutes, "Sammy? You awake?" Came Dean's ill-disguised whisper. "No, Dean, I'm sleeping like a rock." Dean rolled his eyes at his brother's dry humor. "Sam, have you ever wondered why we, specifically, get into all the crappiest demon, end of days, really bad shit?" Sam smiled to himself, he and Dean were getting more and more alike. "I think it's because we can handle it Dean."


	2. Dean

**I still do not own Supernatural. Do I really need a disclaimer for every chapter?**

**Thank you so much to those who reviewed! They were very helpful. I really liked writing the Sam talk. Dean was pretty difficult. I tried to stick to his character, but I think I wandered off a bit. **

**Again, this is going to be religious piece, and Dean's talk has more language than Sam's so I upped the rating. I'm thinking of doing a Castiel/Uriel or Castiel/Some other angel piece, what do you think?**

Dean's thoughts/dreams Castiel's thoughts/inner monologue

Pain, blood, fire, hooks, pain, blood, fire, hooks, loneliness, seperation, defeat, the end, alone, pain, blood, fire, hooks, pain, blood, fire, hooks. SAMMY! No one! You are alone, defeated, dead, this is the end. You have become what you hunt.

Dean woke up with a short scream. He started panicking unsure of where he was, then remembered. _Another crappy motel. Sam isn't here because he went to the next town for research. One night alone in a motel room will not kill you Dean. Now stop talking to yourself and go back to sleep. _Dean tried unsecessfully to go back to sleep. After a few minutes of wrestling with his consience he got up and walked to the bathroom. The dim lighting suited him just fine. He splashed water on his face and looked up at the medicine cabinet mirror. With a flash he saw his eyes turn jet black all the way through the whites. He blinked once, twice, okay, everything is normal. _You ARE NOT a demon, Dean. _He exited the bathroom and sat down on the corner of his bed. "Troubled dreams, Dean?" Dean jumped at the voice and then realized Castiel was sitting in the tattered armchair in the corner. "Dude, how long have you been there?" Was the muddled reply Castiel got.

_**He is not doing well. **_Castiel thought to himself. _**The dreams are too much for him and he is too attached to Samuel. How much more can he endure, Father?**_

"I can tell whenever you are in distress, Dean. I came as soon as I sensed it." An even voiced Castiel replyed, trying to sound cool and collected, although he wanted to scream and shake Dean and tell him to just give up, find a home, stop totureing himself. Although Castiel knew that that was impossible.

"Yes, well I'm fine. I'm alive, no demons here as you can see. Now can you get the hell out so I can sleep?" Dean did not want to deal with the angel tonight. He just wanted sleep. Pure sleep with no dreams whatsoever. And in the morning Sam would be back and they'd finish the case and drive off in the sunset with the Impala blaring AC/DC. _God, I really am tired! Where the hell did that image come from?_

"Do you really think you'll be able to sleep with all those demons floating around?" Castiel was trying. He just needed to get Dean to talk. "Didn't I just say no demons around here? Or is Ruby hanging around somewhere waiting to wrap herself around Sammy as soon as he gets back?" At this point Dean was getting annoyed. _Doesn't he have someone else to bother for once. _

"Dean, it was not Ruby's type of demons I was referring to. You have your own demons. Do not think that Sam doesn't notice your change, or that you can go on trying to forget that you spent 10 years torturing the damned." Castiel had had it. The soft, kind, "Mr. Nice Guy" angel routing was not working for Dean. It was time for a new approach: short, and to the point, make Dean do most of the talking.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW! You have no idea what it was like for me!" Dean was fuming. He had stood up and Castiel quickly followed suit. The two men were facing off in between the bed and armchair. Dean looked about ready to rip of Castiel's head and Castiel's face was resolute, his eyes full of blue fire.

_**Good, he's talking. The anger doesn't matter, he is talking. Where do we go from here Dean, what is it that will make you see?**_

"You cannot deny the truth, Dean. You were well on your way to becoming a demon. Imagine, if I hadn't pulled you out when I did, Sam might have hunted YOU one day." The mention of his brother sent Dean over the edge. He punched Castiel hard enough to push him back into the armchair. But only the shell was damaged, the angel didn't feel a thing. _**Physical harm to others, well, I suppose it is some form of communication. **_

Dean was standing above the chair looking completely stunned at what he had just done to Castiel. He sat down on the bed and put his forehead in his palms. _Too much, Cas. I can't take that vision. But he's right, that's the bitch of it all. This damn angel here is completely right. Shit, I don't want him to be right. _"How much about hell do you know?" Dean looked up, still pissed, but willing to talk.

"I only know hell is seperation from my Father. Lucifer was my brother once. He became proud and sought to put himself above the Father. Those who followed him were cast into hell. No good exists there, it is a place of lies and deceit, it is truly a Godforsaken place. I had never seen the extent until I searched through it's labyrinth for you." Castiel's eyes had gone dead at his own description. The thought of being eternally separated from the purity and wholeness of his Father was enough to cool his earlier fire.

"That's a cute way of describing it, but you forgot to mention the brimstone. It's more than that Castiel. Hell was seperation all right. Seperation from Sam, from the hunt, watching demons pull down their shells that could have been saved if I was here. I saw people that I had met in life down there. When I was fourteen I came across my first demon possession alone. A kid in the town tried to attack Sam and I, when I pulled the kid off of Sam I saw that his eyes were black. I didn't know then what I know now. I panicked and stabbed the shell in the heart, of course it kept moving until the demon left the body. When the demon did eventually leave, the body crumpled and there was nothing but a dead boy on the sidewalk. In Hell, that boy wound up on my rack. I tortured him to the point beyond death day after day after day. You tell me, does that jive with what you thought Hell was?"Something Castiel had said just caught up with Dean. "What do you mean you searched for me?"

_**Here we go, it's about time Dean.**_ "Of course I did, Dean. Do you really believe it was chance that made me run into the only soul in Hell that did not belong there? My orders were to find _you_, Dean Winchester. You were the one we needed. Not because of what Sam is, or because you happen to be a hunter. We needed you because you have clean heart. Because you are you, and you were created for a specific purpose."

Dean chuckled lightly, "A clean heart? You really don't know me do you?"

"I said clean, not pure, Dean. Your heart, soul, whatever you choose to call it is selfless. You made a deal to save someone else, not to benefit yourself. That is truly rare. You do not think of yourself above others. We knew that if one man was meant to help us in our battle it would be you."

"So what you're saying is this, of all the men in history, I am the cleanest, without actually being pure?" _I'd consider that an accomplishment_. Dean gave Castiel a smug smile. "Certainly not, but when those other men were around, we weren't dealing with Lilith. You were here at the right time. And you had followed our Father your whole life."

Dean raised an eyebrow, "Now I know you got the wrong guy. Do not kill is somewhere in that book of yours along with a few others that probably don't fit me."

"There is a time to kill and time to heal, Dean. That's in that book you're referring to. So is this, love mercy, walk humbly, act justly. Think about your life, your hunts; these things are evident in them. Later on a writer tells congregation that it is against the principalities and demons that they fight, not the physical things of this realm. And as for what you did in hell, that same writer says, 'that which I want to do I do not do, and that which I do not want to do I do.' Being clean is not being perfect. King David was a man after God's own heart, and he struggled with as much lust as you do."

Dean stood up and stretched. "Well thanks for the Sunday school lesson, old pal. But I'm not buying it. There's nothing special about me, about my family. We just got dealt a shit card. No amount of holy chit chat will change my mind on that." Castiel could tell Dean was tired and frustrated. When Dean went to say something else, Castiel was gone.

**A/N- Sorry to leave you hanging. this was pretty long, sorry about that. I decided to add a third chapter, pretty short, but the epilogue was longer than what I thought it would be. **


	3. Castiel

The final part! I had considered putting more talks in this, but I like the way this chapter rounds everything out (hopefully).

**Checks life savings* nope, still don't own Supernatural. **

Castiel's thoughts

The wind made Castiel's trenchcoat swirl around him and his hair was making it's own style. He looked out from on top of the skyscraper and surveyed the city below. From the ground, the lights of buildings, cars, stop lights, and other man-made light blocked out the stars, but Castiel had a perfect view of both God's light and man's light from his position. _**Los Angeles, the city of lost angels, how fitting. **_Castiel closed his eyes to really take in the city. _**A small church on that corner**_ his right hand made a reaching gesture towards the general location where the church would be found. _**The people there are praying for their city. Less crime, better education, more hope**_ Castiel looked beyond the church to scope the entire city_**. One mother just lost her son in a gang shoot out. A man married for forty-five years is eating his first supper without his wife. He is thanking Father that her suffering has ended. A little girl is pleading with Father to bring her father back home. New parents make silent pleas, asking Father to show them how to be good parents. Ah, that boy just wants to pass his algebra test tomorrow. This girl just wants that boy to ask him to prom. **_

"We are losing the greatest war ever fought, and you sit here, listening prayers of a meaningless nature." Castiel did not open his eyes at Uriel's less than friendly greeting. "It is relaxing to me, Uriel, to hear how the humans speak with Father. The innocent things they bring to his table, and how he hears them all, indiscriminately." _**Father,**_ Castiel began his own prayer, _**Please send Uriel on a mission, now, please?**_ He screwed his eyes shut, counted to three, and opened them. Castiel sighed, _**I guess that was too selfish to ask?**_ "What has _really_ brought you here, Uriel. I know it was not to just admonish my pastimes." Despite his respect and love for his brother, Castiel found Uriel to be exasperating at times. "I came to see how things went with the Winchester brothers. Do they now have spirits of penetition?" _**Uriel, those boys have paid more penitence than any Follower in history. **_ "I believe Samuel does, he just needed to know more about our nature,- _**that I couldn't show him as long as you were around,**_- and Dean. Well, Dean is hard. I believe Hell has left him with scars that I cannot erase. But he is getting there. He at least no longer questions our validity." It seemed like a legitimate report to Castiel, but Uriel looked like he wanted more. "They are good, Uriel. They have just been jaded by life. However, they are not beyond the reach of Father. Who among the humans is?"_** probably shouldn't have said that. Here comes the lecture on the humans who ignore Father and cause the other humans to stumble**_ Castiel winced in anticipation. "What about _you_ Castiel?" The trench-coated angel looked up confusedly at Uriel. "You have been considering it, haven't you. You love the communion the humans have with Father. You want to feel their emotions first hand. Castiel, it is a temptation you must ignore." Uriel placed a hand on Castiel's shoulder then swiftly took flight.

_**Father,**_ Castiel bowed his head,_** I have not seen you, nor do I doubt you. What is your desire for me? Do you wish me to be human or angel? I am torn between the two. I have no desire to leave you, but how am to help the Winchester's if I do not fully understand them?**_ The wind around Castiel stopped. He raised his head up and saw a star coming towards him, the ball of light got bigger and bigger until it enveloped Castiel and sent him rocketing to the ground.

Castiel woke with a start, _**Wait, I don't wake, I don't sleep. **_He laying on the front steps of the church he had heard earlier. He quickly checked his hands, arms, torso, it was the same shell the "holy tax accountant" he believed Dean had called it. The heart of the shell _**or is it my heart?**_ was beating rapidly. Castiel could feel the adreneline rush that came from the fear of the unknown. _**Fear? I am feeling human fear?**_ It struck him what had happened. _**NO! Father, I didn't mean…I said I DID NOT WANT to leave you!**_ Now panic was setting in. Then, a realization. _**Why am I still this body? How do I know who I am? I remember everything. **_Castiel got up from the steps. _**I am still Castiel, I am still an angel. **_A small voice began to whisper to Castiel, so low he had to strain to hear it, _ask and you shall receive. I would not abandon you, Castiel. _Castiel stopped in his tracks, it was the first time he had heard the voice, but something inside him knew. _**Thank you Father. **_


	4. Dean and Castiel

**So, I had pretty much forgotten all about this story. Then I just happened across it one day and thought, "wow, this needs some resolution." so this is the final chapter. I wasn't too happy with how the Dean conversation ended. Also, because I started this right around Heaven and Hell, just pretend this is happening sometime before things got so complicated (which I think is right around the Sex and Violence episode). **

"Cas?" Dean and Sam exchanged confused looks as the approached the Impala, the hood of which Castiel was sitting on. Castiel turned to them and smiled. There was something different about their angel, and neither Winchester was sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing.

"You okay, Castiel?" Sam asked as Castiel stood up to face the brothers.

"I am better than ever, Samuel. But I would like a word with Dean alone if you wouldn't mind?" Castiel's eyes remained on Dean as he spoke to Sam. Sam muttered something about going to pick up breakfast and began to walk across the street to the convenience store.

"Let's go for a drive Dean." Dean stared open mouthed as the angel slid into the drivers seat and started car. Dean reluctantly sat in the passengers seat and glanced at the empty ignition, he could still feel his keys in his pocket.

"How are you.....?" Dean jingled his keys at Castiel, who smiled and replied,

"Angel, remember?" He then pulled the car out of the lot and started to drive down the highway.

"Cas, what happened to you? You seem... different." Dean broke a ten minute silence.

"I've had a kind of revelation. I asked my Father for something I needed, and he gave it to me." Castiel grinned at his own answer and accelerated so he was going twenty over the posted speed limit.

"And what was that? Happy pills? Crack? LSD? Dude, you've got to be hopped up on something." Dean found himself gripping the handle bar of his door in response to Castiel's driving.

"It is EMOTIONS that I have now. Free will and everything that goes along with it."

"You, you asked to fall?" Dean couldn't believe that the angel would do that.

Castiel chuckled a little, "Not remotely. I love being and angel and hold no animosity towards humans, which is something not many of my siblings can say. I have always been intrigued by your ways. Our little talk got me thinking about the nature of free will and the way in which you exercise your freedom so liberally. I wanted that, in order to save you, I needed that. And so it was given, but I am still wholly an angel."

"Oh." Dean quietly responded, keeping his eyes on the road.

"You have another question." It was a statement, not a question directed at Dean.

"Why do you need to save me? And what from?" Dean was afraid of what the answer would be.

Castiel pulled the car over to the shoulder of the road and turned to Dean. "I find myself at somewhat of a crossroads with you Dean. You refuse to believe in yourself in which case you are not able to help my cause. You are a righteous man and I know with every fiber of my being that you are the right man that I raised from perdition. I healed your physical wounds, but your mind is your own, I cannot heal the memories or stop the nightmares, those things which are causing you to believe yourself such a failure. Although I do not wish you to be a simple tool for Heaven. You deserve more than that. I know you can help me, that you can save the world, but that is not the only reason I want to save you."

Dean locked eyes with Castiel. Castiel searched for answers in Dean's green eyes, while Dean searched for any hint of a trap in Castiel's blues.

"I..." Dean started to say something, but closed his mouth and looked away from the angel. He looked up and found Castiel's eyes again. "I am not okay, Cas. I can't have faith in myself or anything or anyone else. I used to think that I was the constant in my own life. My dad, Sam, everyone left or leaves eventually. But I thought that my own desire to kill evil would be the one thing that sticks around. But then I went to Hell, and something changed. I'm not me anymore, Cas. I'm something twisted, and wrong." Dean dropped his head to his chest. But soon felt Castiel's hand on his chin raising his head.

"You are not twisted, or wrong." Castiel said gently but with conviction, his hand now on the handprint on Dean's shoulder. "I saved you before you could become that. Yes, you changed. You became stronger, you now know exactly what you are up against and that knowledge gives you power. Use that power."

But, I'm...." Dean trailed off, not wanting to admit his own fear.

"Fear is not something to be ashamed of, Dean. That very fear will keep you alert. And when the fear feels like it will be too much, there I am. I swear to never abandon you to your fear, to never abandon you, period. Have faith, Dean. Have faith in Heaven, have faith in me."

"I will, Castiel, I promise."

They returned to the motel to find Sam sleeping on a bed.

"Up and at em, Sammy!" Dean shoved his little brother awake.

As Sam groggily sat up, Castiel placed a hand on Dean's shoulder and whispered, "I have to go now. But I will return soon." Dean nodded to him and Castiel disappeared from the room.

"You two have a good chat?" Sam asked.

"Ya, Sammy real good, and I don't think it'll be the last."

* * *

Castiel sat in a pew of the church in Los Angeles. Dean had not asked Castiel what his other reason for wanting to save him was. The angel was grateful for that. The truth was, Castiel had decided that there were two main emotions and that every other emotion were only branches from those. These emotions were fear and love. In themselves they had numerous variations. Love was the emotion Castiel knew Dean needed most. He just was just afraid the particular variation of love that he felt for the hunter was not one that would be reciprocated easily.


End file.
